Energy World Series: Scientific Study Compiled Results

After testing a vast array of energy products on The Road to Nowhere, it only seemed logical to compile the results and see which product reigned supreme. If you wanted to ride like a rock star, and weren’t into steroids or illegal substances, what would you go with?

This is how the products compared…..

Top Speed (mph)
Coffee 31.9
Ephedrine 31.5
MiniThin 31.2
Clif Shot 30.2
Monster 29.1
5 Hour 28.4

Maximum Heart Rate (bpm)
Ephedrine 184
Coffee 183
MiniThin 182
Monster 177
Clif Shot 177
5 Hour 174

15 Mile Time (min:sec)

Ephedrine 44:16
Coffee 44:48
MiniThin 45:35
Monster 45:45
Clif Shot 46:34
5 Hour 46:50

Coffee, Ephedrine, and MiniThin took the podium in all three categories. Ephedrine, if this were a stage race, would be the winner. However, a steady diet of Ephedrine would certainly have some serious ramifications. It could lead to a crack habit. Your friends may quit hanging around you. You may find DEA agents parked in front of your house. If you sign that book at 7-11 too often, you will undoubtedly wind up on some kind of watch list. Is keeping a defibrillator on hand “just in case” really worth it?

That being said, I would have to give coffee the nod as my pre-ride boost of choice. It is simple. It is legal. It is relatively cheap. It is socially acceptable. It can be flavored with a variety of tasty creamers such as hazelnut, vanilla, and mocha. Unlike the fish oil taste of Ephedrine, coffee actually has a good flavor!

I can only hope that these tests have shed some light on questions my fellow cyclists may have had. At this time, I would like to extend an offer to test any products (given they are legal) that you may spark your curiosity. Just let me know. If it is feasible, I will test them.

Yours in Science,